Thoughts in Life
沙村"趣"事 ·
Opimized version by Chatgpt:
When I went out for lunch one day, I met a young fellow at a crossroads. We had to wait together until the traffic light turned green. The sun was burning hot. He was holding an umbrella, while I wasn’t.
The waiting time felt unusually long, and we kept making eye contact. Out of kindness, he offered to share his umbrella with me. Since we were strangers, I politely refused. He said nothing, but after a while he asked me if I smoked. I declined again, and the traffic light was still red.
I felt it would be impolite to stay silent, so I tried to start a conversation.
“Where do you work?” I asked. In China, this is a common way for strangers to break the ice.
To my surprise, he replied, “I'm unemployed and looking for a job.”
I didn’t want to embarrass him, so I lied and said, “Oh, sorry to hear that. I’m unemployed too. The job market is really tough these days.”
He nodded and told me that he had worked at a factory named DH, but was fired because his leader thought he was too slow. I was shocked, because I was also working at DH at that time and worried about facing the same problem.
He explained further: “I worked there for only five days. Before I was fired, the leader sent me to another production line as ‘temporary support.’ But when I returned, he told me someone else had already replaced me and I could just go home.”
I then realized his job was different from mine—he was a factory worker, while I was doing image annotation.
We kept talking while crossing several streets. He told me he was only 21 years old, had started working at 16, and had already experienced many hardships. Despite his youth, his life seemed heavy and difficult.
Eventually, we had to go our separate ways at another crossroads. I wished him good luck with his job hunting, and he said goodbye politely.
This event happened about a month ago, so some details are vague. But my point is that many young people today face tough lives, while at the same time some are still kind and sincere. Even a short encounter with a stranger can fulfill our social needs in unexpected ways.
In my next story, however, I will describe a different experience—being cheated by a stranger who pretended to be rich and kind. Unlike this young man, that experience made me feel sick and disappointed.
Original version:
When I went to eat lunch, I met a young fallow in a crossroad. We had to wait togheater until the light turning green. The sun was burnning. He used a umbrella while I didn't.
The waiting time was so slow while we had to look at each other many times. Kindly, he offered me to share his umbrella. As strangers, I reffused. He said nothing. And after a while, he asked me if I smoking. "No, thanks." I reffused again and the bloody light was still red.
I knew i must say something to him in this situation, otherwise i would act too cruelly. So i start the conversation.
"where do you work?" I asked, it's a conman topic in China among strangers to break ice.
But surprised he replied, "I'm unemployed and looking for a job."
"Oh, sorry to hear that. I'm unemployed too." I lied in order to aviod hurting him. "Bad job market, hum? Nowadays, many people can't find a job."
"Yeah. I used to work at DH. But the leader fired me because he thought I worked too slow." He answered.
But I'm surprised again, because I'm also working at DH now and afraid of being fired of the same issue. "How cruel they are !"
"Yeah. I just worked there for five days. Before the leader fired me, he sent me to another factory line in the name of support college. But when I came back to my orieng line, he said 'There is already a subsitute and you can go home." He gave me a lot of detials.
Now I just realize his work was not same as mine. He worked as a factory worker while I do image annotation. "So it's a sign that he would fire you by sending you to another line."
"Yeah. I'm afraid so."
"Are you still looking for a job now?"
"Yeah. I just came here for couple months from guangxi..."
Then we continued to talk a lot, including his previous job, my job, his age, my age, my bad career choise and so on. He is so young that he is just 21 years old but had a bad image that his hair in nose was so long, and he started working since he was 16. Life is so tough.
Unconsciously，we had crossed servel cross. And in a cross road, we will separate to our own road, "Good luck with your job hunting!" "Yeah. Goodbye."
This event happned a mouth ago, so the detail is vague. But my point is nowadays young people have a tough life and some people is so kind and sincere，so we can talk something. And I fulfill my social needs in this occasional satuation.
But next article I will descrbe my other reccent stories which are hurrying in daily life and being cheated by another stranger who seems rich and kind, fuck that ugly man which make me feel sick !
模拟雅思评分（基于你优化后的版本）
1. Task Achievement (任务完成度)
你的文章有一个完整的故事，有开头、发展和结尾。
主题明确：年轻人生活艰难，但仍有善良和真诚的人。
观点表达清晰，并且有一定的反思（社会背景 + 自我感受）。
小缺点：部分地方更像叙事作文，而雅思 Task 2 更倾向议论文。如果用在 Task 1 General Writing（书信/叙事）会很合适，但如果用在 Task 2，缺少更深入的论证和扩展。
得分：6.5 – 7.0
2. Coherence and Cohesion (连贯与衔接)
段落结构清晰：引入 → 互动 → 深入对话 → 分别 → 反思。
使用了衔接词（eventually, however, to my surprise, while, nowadays 等）。
句子之间逻辑顺畅，没有突兀跳跃。
小缺点：结尾“my next story…”略显随意，对雅思正式作文来说不太必要。
得分：7.0
3. Lexical Resource (词汇多样性)
好的表达：break the ice, out of kindness, burning hot, fulfill social needs, unexpectedly, job hunting。
有一定词汇灵活性，能避免重复（比如 fired → replaced → unemployed）。
小缺点：词汇层次可以再丰富一些，加入更“学术感”的词汇，比如：
tough life → harsh circumstances / economic hardship
kind and sincere → genuine and compassionate
made me feel sick → left me disillusioned
得分：6.5 – 7.0
4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy (语法范围与准确性)
优点：基本语法正确，能写复合句，动词时态（过去时 → 反思）基本合理。
小缺点：
少量句子仍偏口语化，比如 “Oh, sorry to hear that.” 可以换成更书面一些的表达。
可以增加更多复杂句（定语从句、条件句、让步句等），比如：
Although we were strangers, he still offered to share his umbrella.
If I had remained silent, it might have seemed impolite.
得分：6.0 – 6.5
原始版本雅思模拟评分
1. Task Achievement (任务完成度)
有一个完整的故事，有情节发展（遇到陌生人 → 对话 → 分开 → 反思）。
但表达目的不清晰：结尾提到“fulfill my social needs”“fuck that ugly man”太随意甚至不合适，在雅思写作里算不正式。
缺少总结与升华，逻辑性和深度不足。
得分：5.0 – 5.5
2. Coherence and Cohesion (连贯与衔接)
段落基本按时间顺序写，有一定逻辑。
但衔接词用得少（几乎只有 and, so, but），让文章显得有点“流水账”。
句子之间跳跃明显，比如突然写 fuck that ugly man，对雅思作文来说是负分项。
得分：5.0 – 5.5
3. Lexical Resource (词汇多样性)
优点：有些词汇有表现力，比如 bloody light, cruelly, bad career choice。
缺点：拼写错误和误用严重，影响词汇印象：
fallow → fellow
burnning → burning
reffused → refused
envent → event
mouth → month
词汇重复多（job, work, fired 一直出现）。
不正式词汇过多（fuck, ugly man），不符合雅思要求。
得分：4.5 – 5.0
4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy (语法范围与准确性)
问题最多的一部分：
时态混乱（The sun was burnning. He used a umbrella while I didn't. → 不完整时态）。
单复数错误（a umbrella, severel cross）。
不完整句子很多（Kindly, he offered me to share his umbrella. As strangers, I reffused. → 第二句缺谓语结构）。
句子衔接大多靠 and / so，语法结构单一。
能看懂，但错误多。
得分：4.5 – 5.0
🎯 原始版本总体分数预测：5.0 – 5.5
亮点：故事有细节，有一定可读性。
最大问题：拼写错误多，语法错误多，词汇过于口语化甚至粗俗，缺少正式书面表达。
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